Art

My face is the most powerful and immediately apparent sign of my masculinity.

I only see it in the mirror. Not otherwise. Some mirrors are hung lower. Without a face. That makes it easier to deal with.

In the morning, I often look in the mirror. Without makeup, it’s not so easy to accept. So I look through my face and see myself inwardly as a woman. Then the face becomes less important. But with makeup on, I also see myself externally as a woman. Of course, you can still recognize the masculine features, but I show that a woman lives behind this face.

Now the mirrors hang higher. And I wear more makeup. With makeup on, I need to look in the mirror again and again. Because then I like what I see, and since I only see myself in the mirror, I see a woman! Even without makeup, I need the mirror, but then more to check my clothes. I need external validation as a trans woman. It feels so good.

I always wear makeup for my guests and friends. Even when I go out.

Around the made-up face come earrings, long hair. Feminine clothing, stockings, high heels, and jewelry. That way, people can assume I’m a TransWoman. Right?

When I see young TransWoman who look feminine and beautiful thanks to hormones and surgeries, I’d like that too. It’s my longing to have a woman’s face. But that’s not possible for me, simply because of my age. And I don’t want to use hormones, let alone undergo surgeries. I want to stay natural. I have to accept it as it is.

Young TransWoman hardly need to wear makeup—they’re that perfect, though sometimes a bit artificial. Many want to look as much like a woman as possible. But I understand them well, because then you look feminine in the mirror even without makeup. When you’re young, it doesn’t take much to look more feminine. When I was young, people often addressed me as a woman. It didn’t bother me at all.

You can almost always see the male face behind it, which is interesting. You could also combine the masculine with the feminine, consciously shaping it, like art. This means owning that you are a TransWoman, not a woman. You don’t have to have a perfect woman’s face. Instead, you have a perfect TransWoman’s face, just as it is, or as you have consciously shaped it. What’s important is that it feels right for you, not for others.

I recently saw myself in photos of guests. In some, I look really feminine, which makes me very happy. Then there are others where I look quite masculine despite the makeup, which hurts a little. But luckily, photos aren’t real.

As we age, men can look more feminine, and women more masculine. That’s because of hormones. So I have an advantage now.

I shave my beard as closely as possible; maybe I’ll get it lasered off someday. It’s so masculine.

I often wear my hair in a bun, which makes my face look rounder. Or I twist and dampen it, and then it gets very curly. I really like a side ponytail because you can see it from the front.

And then there’s the voice. It comes from the face. It doesn’t match, it stays masculine. You can train it to be higher. You can also do something about it with hormones, blockers, or surgery, depending on your age. For me, it’s sometimes difficult. Especially when I hear myself talking a lot. But I stand by my voice. A TransWoman is allowed to have a voice like that. And that’s how I can accept it.

My makeup.

I like to wear makeup. In the mirror, I see a woman, look into my eyes, and I like what I see—that’s how I like myself, and it brings me joy. That’s how I see an older TransWoman’s face. That kind of validation feels incredibly good!

I usually apply heavy, colorful eye makeup. I have drooping eyelids, and I apply makeup over them. I think a beautiful and interesting color gradient is important, matching my clothes or jewelry. And my art!

I also like to experiment. I draw black dots or lines on my eyelid; it looks like eyelashes. It has to be a bit graphic. Or I apply makeup all the way to the sides toward my ears. Or just a tiny bit of a contrasting color on the lower outer eyelid.

The eyebrows are tricky. The color has to match the hair, or be completely different, which can quickly look a bit odd. But I don’t like dark, thick lines.

I don’t have long eyelashes. Mascara is tricky. So I tend to apply dark lines along the lash line instead; it creates a similar effect. Long eyelashes are so incredibly feminine.

And a bit of blush on the cheeks—I often use pink. It adds such warmth to the face.

Lips aren’t easy; the symmetry has to be right. Mine aren’t symmetrical, so I have to correct them. There are so many different lipsticks. Some make your mouth feel sticky. I like the two-part ones best—the color and the gloss. You don’t really feel it, so to speak, and it lasts well. But eventually, you end up eating that off, too.

Sometimes I use lip tints on my nipples. So they stand out nicely in a lace dress or a semi-transparent top, and can be seen. They’re important to me. More important than having large breasts.

Makeup is like jewelry; it preserves the original, it’s on the face, you can see my blemished skin, it stays alive. That’s why I don’t use foundation— it kills the look.

Sometimes I forget to take it off, and then my pillow ends up pretty pink. But I sleep well in pink.